Thursday, November 26, 2009

Isnt this a gas station?

An older lady walked in around 4am, pist as hell because when her husband came in, I was unable to help him... He told me he wanted "to fill her up" In my hotel, that can mean a lot of things. So when I explained we were a hotel, he told me "my wife isn't going to like this"

In walks this lady, she bitched me out 3 different times, from 3 different spots in the lobby. And she kept insisting that it was my fault we were so "lit up"

I just smiled sweetly at her and walked her to the door. I tried explaining that maybe its because she's from out of town or something, and gas stations look like hotels there but we are unable to give her $20 dollars of unleaded anything.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Security Guards

Security Guards, are NOT, I repete ARE NOT police officers.

IF you get paid minium wage, do not have a weapon, and wear a t-shirt to work, YOU, should mind your own business.
Please do not try and play cops and crack dealers. Do not try and "set someone up" Please do not try and act like you are 7'0 400# and wear a bullet proof vest or live in a large unbreakable bubble. Something bad will evenchuly happen to you. Crack dealers and users can be smart on occasion, and figure things out. THey will soon find out you are in cahoots with the police and Roll your head down the hallway like a little bowling ball. If you do not answer your radio, when I call you with in a 2-3 minute time frame, I will assume you have been pulled into a room and are getting the shit beat out of you. I WILL NOT help you, or call the police for you, YOU did this to yourself, get yourself out of the mess.

OH and trim your mustache, you look like a monopoly character!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

You get one phone call sir

A guest got arrested for his own doings. I never really met the man, so I thought it was strange when he makes his ONLY phone call back to the hotel. He asked me to call his son, girlfriend, Brother in law, mother, wife, and lover. I opted to call the brother in law, whom I knew. When he told me to go to hell, I chose the girlfriend next. I gave her all the numbers he gave me and washed my hands of it. I just find it weird, to use your only phone call, to call the hotel where you’re staying at. Was I the only person awake, or the only person who would answer the call?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Really Stupid People

so when you get kicked out of the hotel lobby, for being excessively drunk, You shouldn't .... you get into your car, and drive 10 feet at about 40 MPH and crash into a Chinese Vase weighing 1000 pounds.... and RIGHT IN FRONT OF A COP CAR!!! where You get arrested for a DUI and reckless driving.

Monday, August 24, 2009


A girl came into my hotel tonight, and asked me to fax her some papers, I had no problems with this. She also asked to borrow my pen, so I handed it over. After signing her name on the page, she took the pen and scratched her armpit. She even did the “ohh yeah” as in she finally got that Itch. She then looked at the pen, and noticed there was a CLUNK of deodorant on the end, and said, out loud “ man I didn’t know deodorant stayed on that long, its been a week” She then laid the pen back on the counter, with the clunk of junk on the end. She then pointed out to me 3 times she left the pen on my desk. WHAT are some people thinking?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

This is funny

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," Explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
The following is a list of things that PISS ME OFF: (its long-but if you travel often, read it)

1) Guests who do not listen. Look sir/ma'am: I just went over every single detail regarding your stay. Where to park, breakfast schedule, amenities and how to reach me if you should need further assistance. Chances are, I've already gone over my little bullshit speech 400 times by the time you even thought about checking in. So pretty fucking please- DO NOT- tune me out and then ask, "Where can I park?" It makes my eye twitch.....but I will always tell you again. (assholes)

2) I wish I could promise that the magnetic strip on your key will work %100 of the time.....but I cannot. Its just not within my power. So please don't come down to the front desk and yell at me. Contrary to your belief- I am not trying to ruin your day. I will always make you a new key so that you may be on your merry way. Besides- we have an elevator you lazy fuck. Its not like you had to go on a jungle safari to make your way to the lobby. :-)

3) I love a good PORNO- don't you? After a hard day of work nothing is better than whacking off to some bleach blond chick licking her own nipples. I agree. (and I'm a chick) HOWEVER- please understand that this service will show up on your receipt. Also- please understand that some of the billing systems in hotels don't have the capability to remove said ordered service. You can change your method of payment so that it will not appear on your company/family/wife's/hooker's credit card- but it will ALWAYS be on the receipt. It won't say PORNO!! or THIS GUYS WATCHED A DIRTY MOVIE!!! It will read: "service"
I am not lying to you- I promise. I wish I could make it disappear, but I cannot. It just doesn't work that way. SO PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING YELL AT ME, CALL ME STUPID, BELITTLE MY EXISTENCE OR BLAME ME FOR YOUR DREADFUL MANAGER THAT WILL SCRUTINIZE YOU FOR YOUR MOVIE VIEWING HABITS DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU PAID FOR IT YOURSELF!!! If it was that serious- you should have asked the clerk at the desk prior to ordering your film. Besides- when you treat me like a dog I'm gonna be a bitch. I go to the back and look up what porn you watched and make fun of you behind your back. :-)

4) Lost & Found items: Look asshole, its not my fault you left your oh so special $400 pair of jeans in your room last week. So don't call me and bitch me out or get cranky with me over it. If it meant that much to you- wouldn't you have left it in the first place. I will always take down your info, send it to the housekeeping manager and if its found- I will ship it to you. Its no problem. Its what I am here for. Just don't be a dick about it. An error on your part- does not constitute an emergency on my part.

5) Times are a changin'. The economy is wonky- and our room rates will in fact fluctuate based on operating costs and occupancy. Its the law of the land folks. I understand sir, that you stayed with us last year and your room rate was $, however since you called your reservation in 5 minutes before you were to arrive, and we only had 2 rooms left to sell in the entire joint, your rate is going to be higher. Its nothing personal- and its not my choice. Some suit and tie is sitting in an office somewhere getting out the lube so that he may ass fuck you....not me. :-) SUPPLY AND DEMAND PEOPLE!!!! Besides, we have you initial the rate when you check-in so it shouldn't be a surprise in the morning. So please do not come to me and give me an attitude about it. You wouldn't go to the grocery store for a gallon of milk then take it to the cashier and say, "Well, last week I only paid $2.35 for a gallon of's all I am going to pay today."

6) If you want your prostitute to have a key to your room- give her one or put her name on the reservation so that I may give her one. I can take her name off in the morning if you'd like- that way nobody will know your little secret. But please, oh please, don't have your hooker come to the desk and demand a key to your room. I cannot give her one unless you personally told me to. Its against policy. Your hooker will most likely be cracked out and cause a scene (which by the way- is HILARIOUS) and then I have to call our little cop friend to have her removed. (which is also pretty fucking funny) but the cop car sometimes causes distress among our other guests. And I don't like that. I want them to relax and enjoy staying with us just as I want the same for you. Seriously.

The moral of the story- don't yell at the front desk clerk and don't be stupid. I want to make your stay as enjoyable as possible and I want you to come back. And here is a secret: I work harder and go the extra mile for guests who are kind, patient in the face of adversity, and respect my position......which means sometimes I "accidentally" upgrade them to a suite at no extra cost, adjust the long distance off of their bill once in a while, remember their names, let them watch TV in the board room if the lobby is too full, I even let a guest feel me up once! (ok- that last one was a joke)

Thanks for staying & do come again!

Front Desk Clerk

I am a Front Desk Clerk..

I have advanced degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, business, computer sciences, civil engineering and Swahili.

Of course I have the reservation you made six years ago, even though you do not have a confirmation number and think it was under a name that starts with an "S."

It isn't a problem for me to get two connecting, non-smoking, pool side, downstairs outside suites (with two king size beds in each), four rollaways, and yes, I would be happy to install a wet bar in each room and stock them at no charge. Of course it is my fault we don't have a helicopter-landing pad.

I am a front desk clerk - I am expected to speak all languages. It is obvious to me that when you booked your room for Friday, that you really meant Saturday. My computer has entrusted me with all our financial information and decisions. Of course I remember that when you were here four years ago we accidentally charged you for a 72 cent long distance call you hadn't made and will make sure it doesn't happen again.

I understand that MacGillegetty's Widget Manufacturing Corp. is a vast empire that can make or break our hotel. Yes I am lying when I tell you we have no more rooms available. It's not a problem for me to quickly build two more so we can accommodate you and this time I will include a helipad.

I am a front desk clerk - I am quite capable of checking three people in, two people out, taking five reservations, answering twelve telephone calls and unplugging the toilet in 420, all at the same time.

I also know where the best vegetarian, kosher, Mongolian BBQ restaurants are. I also know exactly what to see and do in this city in less than fifteen minutes and at no cost.

I take personal blame for airline delays, traffic jams, rental car flat tires and the national debt. I should have realized that you meant to make your reservation here and not the "Galaxy Delight Motel" down the street and that you are entitled to the special five dollar discount because you're a member of the Accounting and Bagel Club of North America. Yes I will be happy to cash your Japanese travelers checque for 10,000 yen into Canadian currency. Even though it is Sunday morning, I am constantly aware of the exchange rate for all the world's currencies, after all, I am a front desk clerk.

We are expected to smile, empathize, sympathize, console, upsell, downsell, (and know the difference), perform, sing, dance and fix the computer (all at the same time).

I am a front desk, I can do all things…(and look busy when the boss is nearby).


Its Valentines Day here in america, and well that’s all wonderful and great for the people in love, it sucks for the people who have to “wait” on them.

Take the poor desk clerk who has to answer the 1000 calls and listen to you grope about not being able to grope your hunny, because you did not book a room a week ago. You (if you’re the hunny) did not have the one single most greatest idea ever on the plant this weekend, EVERYONE did(to get a room). It also happens to be a long weekend here in Florida because of Daytona 500, and presidents day,on Monday. So all the local Miami- Cubans, have come to the center of the most magical place and booked us full. All the drunken sports fans wives’ have crowded the hotels and taken there little ankle biters to the 2nd most crowded weekend at magical doo da land. I guess its part cabin fever, and everyone just gets away or something, but It annoys us … the desk clerks.

So, I am sorry You didnt realise they sold so fast? Well arent you special. and I mean back-of-the-short-bus special! Have there been any cancellations? Well, since I just told you we're sold out.... NO.

No, stop pestering me and begging me to "help a guy out, man." Since I have no rooms, I have nothing to offer. Expect the storage room, thats nice and romantic. Just get passed the smell of old beer, work your way passed the broken bottles to the back where we keep the rollaways and you're good! There isnt any TV, But im sure the sounds of other people making sweet love in the rooms beside you will be more than enough entertainment.

Seriously, I get calls for Vday rooms almost every 20 minutes.


If it is Saturday morning, and you havent booked a room, stay home please. Please don’t Come into my hotel , at 11pm begging me for a room. I don’t have anything! You, probably knew last night you needed a room, why not just call and make a reservation? Why not “jump” on expedia, hotel hotline, priceline, free rooms… what ever you choose and book a room? Why do people do ½ the things they do? I suppose it will always be a mystery.

Words of advice, BOOK A ROOM

Monday, February 9, 2009

Security Guards

I could write tons (and I may) on the security guards that I know.
But the one I currently work with, has me so pissed right now.

This weekend is Daytona 500 and Valentines weekend at Disney (think proposals) our hotel is booked... why is this man taking off this weekend? I swear when it comes to work, these people certainly know how to avoid it.

I think I also have the right to be pissed at my boss. He didn't put anyone on the schedule together, and he o.k'd this jack ass to be off.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

City Taxes

an old man was checking out this morning, and said there was to many taxes on his bill. All the wile, he was staring at my breasts.

I turned the bill around and said, sir, there is only TITTY TAX on the bill.

I meant to say, City Tax, honestly!!!

He looked up at my face and walked away. Wile the security guard, and I laughed so hard, we were crying.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Rom- a- da

Middle Eastern people crack me up. I love there American accent's sometimes fall short and you have to decipher what they are trying to say. My hotel is across from two Ramada hotels. I don't know why they have 2 in the same area, but this is the way it is.

My hotel is not hard to find, however, you need to be looking for it. The sign is WAYYYY up in the air, and we share a parking lot with a steak house. Wile giving directions, we usually say, we are next to the Ramada that has blue florcent around the building. But when foreigners come, they say which ROM A DA are you? and it always takes you back for a second, before you start to laugh. ROM A DA??? OH RAMADA raaaaamaaaaaadaaaaa. We are not some "Jewish holiday" we are a hotel... Keep looking until you find us.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

all about my shift

I work the over nights. Typically that is when most Americans are sleeping. From the hours 11pm-7am you will find me bright eyed and bushy tailed, being a smart ass to people who ask me weird questions. The past few nights though, I have been exhausted, and not so into a good sleeping pattern at home. I'm chalking this up to a co worker getting me sick, first time in 6 years. I have completed my work no later then 2 am and have taken little snoozes during the night. All this would be o.k. if I wasn't down and out snoring loudly and waking my self up. I have been Checking people out and not even remembering it, answering phone calls and transferring calls. I suppose these little naps aren't helping my day time sleeping either, so they have to stop, I suppose.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Car Problems

Please be cautious when taking your luggage out of your vehicle. We are a hotel, not AAA, or a mechanic. Make sure you have your car keys in hand before closing the last open door. Do not stand there screaming at me, that I better help you. Do not scream at other guests and throw a fit like a child. YOU! YOU, have done what is done, and I can not open your car magically. However, before I took anger management classes, I would have gladly thrown you through the window. Now, take your issues and move away from my desk area, I don't care about you any longer.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

words of advice form a seasoned hotel clerk.

always bring some kind of air fresh with you when going to a hotel. The reason is... the rooms are closed up 99% of the day. the 1 % the door gets opened is when you walk in. They sometimes smell musty, and you never know when you need to spray the bathroom area since they are smaller then yours at home.

It is always, a good idea to pack a small towel with you. You never know why you will need it, but incase your hotel runs out of towels, you at least have a back up.

if your visiting a hotel, and the price is around 50 dollars. Remember your getting what you paid for. There are no alarm clocks, wake up calls, irons, or hair dryers with that price either.

be kind to your desk clerks, they hold the keys to any room that is shitty, and if your shitty your getting a shitty room.

when it rains, the pool closes. It is for your safety. Do not hop a 6 foot fence and try and say your an adult you can do what you want. Remember you have already paid me.. your not getting a refund.

it is not our responsibility to supply bathroom products to you. so the little bar of soap you get when you arive is the only sliver you will get through out your stay. I-the desk clerk, do not have any more, i cant make it happen for you, and I will get annoyed the more you ask for it.

poeple who cant live with out wireless internet need to learn how to visit mcdonalds more often.

If your lost because your directions are uncelar we understand. But if you get in the car and drive, and have no maps or directions, i will not help you. iF you insist on listening to some GPS system that doesnt always work in every area, then i definitly wont help you. KNOW where your going before you start out. WEST of disney means, WE ARE WEST of disney. do not say your going west... that dosent mean anything. WEST OF the interstate, crossing over the gates of disney, is WEST.

If the fire alarms go off, exit your room, with your key, and go to the lobby. we do not answer the phones when the alarms are going off. Have enough sense to get your family to a safe area, even if it is a false alarm. better be safe then sorry.


Walking into work tonight I knew it was going to be a bad night. Does a lady, moaning in agony, and acting all crazy count as bad? Probably not. She was stretched out on the floor, no one could get into the bathroom, and I was told not to call emergency. My fear was she wasn’t acting, but the minute anyone said anything to her, she was miss. All bright & sunshine day. So I realized quickly that she must not be mentally stable.

Oh, I also had a guest place a used condom wrapper on my desk, and yell at me that his kids found this under the bed. Now here is my thinking... who looks under the bed in a hotel? Who looks under the bed at home? Well, I look under the bed at home, but it is to find my dog and the toys he may hide under there. But typically no one does this. I don’t understand why he felt the need to hold this wrapper, in his hand and bring his 7-9 year old son with him to the desk?


I find this to be another funny story that would/could only happen in my life, as a front desk clerk.
Here is the scene:
There was someone checking out, Jessica was helping him. I was counting my bank, and Seida was in the lobby area. Esire, was in the bathroom.
Esire comes busing into the front desk, and says "someone is dead in the bathroom" I try not to freak out, and almost think she is joking. But we had all been sitting at the front desk since 11pm so I know NO ONE has crossed our paths, to go into the bathroom. And none of us used the bathroom in that time either. SO, Me Esire, and Sieda, all go to the bathroom door. "hello? anyone in the restroom?" " is everything OK in here?" we finally here someone muffle around and say, yes everything is o.k.... but in my heart I knew something wasn't o.k. I decided to call police. He comes a few min later and he is almost afraid to go into the bathroom as well. I find this comical in a way. Anyway, he says Sheriff's police, please come out of the stall. The person does and then washes her hands, and shoves napkins into her pockets. she tries to walk past us. Us in being... me the cop and Sieda. ME being closest to this woman.
The cop asks her if she has a room here, no she didn't. So he starts walking her out of the building. She says she is there for the breakfast. God knows our breakfast isn't THAT good. He eventually makes her go away. She was homeless, but the funny part to me was after all said and done, Jessica says, oh I saw her around 6pm in the lobby area. SO she has been here since 6pm??? no ones been in the bathroom since 6? its now 2 fricken AM. Esire then says, we called her a cab on Wednesday, when the cab showed up she walked away. I guess they also saw her on Thursday... she must have been living in the bathroom since Wednesday!!! WEDNESDAY people, WEDNESDAY... its now Friday.. has no one noticed that the handicap bathroom was occupied since WEDNESDAY!?!?
ha ha, so Sunday morning, I talk to Angii, the morning desk clerk, and tell her the "story" she says, oh yeah I know that lady she is weird.... to say the least. I guess Angii saw her putting on make up Wednesday morning in the bathroom, and she was hanging around the lobby area so no one ever thought that she was homeless. They figured she was a guest, because she even asked about the free shuttle to Disney and everything.


I have been looking at blogs differently for awhile now. I found a few that focus on children, and gardening, and travel. I even found a waiter who hates his job, and writes all the silly stuff people request wile him is serving them. Let me just say that he is writing books, winning awards, and making money off his blog. Is there a small possible way that I could write a blog about hotel hell and make money for it? I mean, I do have some pretty incredible stories of the shit that happens to desk clerks. I think, I could write an entire book right now, in one sitting, just on this month job alone. Let alone, HOJO, Disney, and Hampton Inn. I could have best sellers of HOTEL HELL Touristville... and Hotel Hell, Chicago. I am thinking... maybe just maybe turning, a passion of working in hotels, writing and crazyness into momma getting a new pair of shoes!