Sunday, February 15, 2009

This is funny

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," Explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
The following is a list of things that PISS ME OFF: (its long-but if you travel often, read it)

1) Guests who do not listen. Look sir/ma'am: I just went over every single detail regarding your stay. Where to park, breakfast schedule, amenities and how to reach me if you should need further assistance. Chances are, I've already gone over my little bullshit speech 400 times by the time you even thought about checking in. So pretty fucking please- DO NOT- tune me out and then ask, "Where can I park?" It makes my eye twitch.....but I will always tell you again. (assholes)

2) I wish I could promise that the magnetic strip on your key will work %100 of the time.....but I cannot. Its just not within my power. So please don't come down to the front desk and yell at me. Contrary to your belief- I am not trying to ruin your day. I will always make you a new key so that you may be on your merry way. Besides- we have an elevator you lazy fuck. Its not like you had to go on a jungle safari to make your way to the lobby. :-)

3) I love a good PORNO- don't you? After a hard day of work nothing is better than whacking off to some bleach blond chick licking her own nipples. I agree. (and I'm a chick) HOWEVER- please understand that this service will show up on your receipt. Also- please understand that some of the billing systems in hotels don't have the capability to remove said ordered service. You can change your method of payment so that it will not appear on your company/family/wife's/hooker's credit card- but it will ALWAYS be on the receipt. It won't say PORNO!! or THIS GUYS WATCHED A DIRTY MOVIE!!! It will read: "service"
I am not lying to you- I promise. I wish I could make it disappear, but I cannot. It just doesn't work that way. SO PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING YELL AT ME, CALL ME STUPID, BELITTLE MY EXISTENCE OR BLAME ME FOR YOUR DREADFUL MANAGER THAT WILL SCRUTINIZE YOU FOR YOUR MOVIE VIEWING HABITS DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU PAID FOR IT YOURSELF!!! If it was that serious- you should have asked the clerk at the desk prior to ordering your film. Besides- when you treat me like a dog I'm gonna be a bitch. I go to the back and look up what porn you watched and make fun of you behind your back. :-)

4) Lost & Found items: Look asshole, its not my fault you left your oh so special $400 pair of jeans in your room last week. So don't call me and bitch me out or get cranky with me over it. If it meant that much to you- wouldn't you have left it in the first place. I will always take down your info, send it to the housekeeping manager and if its found- I will ship it to you. Its no problem. Its what I am here for. Just don't be a dick about it. An error on your part- does not constitute an emergency on my part.

5) Times are a changin'. The economy is wonky- and our room rates will in fact fluctuate based on operating costs and occupancy. Its the law of the land folks. I understand sir, that you stayed with us last year and your room rate was $, however since you called your reservation in 5 minutes before you were to arrive, and we only had 2 rooms left to sell in the entire joint, your rate is going to be higher. Its nothing personal- and its not my choice. Some suit and tie is sitting in an office somewhere getting out the lube so that he may ass fuck you....not me. :-) SUPPLY AND DEMAND PEOPLE!!!! Besides, we have you initial the rate when you check-in so it shouldn't be a surprise in the morning. So please do not come to me and give me an attitude about it. You wouldn't go to the grocery store for a gallon of milk then take it to the cashier and say, "Well, last week I only paid $2.35 for a gallon of's all I am going to pay today."

6) If you want your prostitute to have a key to your room- give her one or put her name on the reservation so that I may give her one. I can take her name off in the morning if you'd like- that way nobody will know your little secret. But please, oh please, don't have your hooker come to the desk and demand a key to your room. I cannot give her one unless you personally told me to. Its against policy. Your hooker will most likely be cracked out and cause a scene (which by the way- is HILARIOUS) and then I have to call our little cop friend to have her removed. (which is also pretty fucking funny) but the cop car sometimes causes distress among our other guests. And I don't like that. I want them to relax and enjoy staying with us just as I want the same for you. Seriously.

The moral of the story- don't yell at the front desk clerk and don't be stupid. I want to make your stay as enjoyable as possible and I want you to come back. And here is a secret: I work harder and go the extra mile for guests who are kind, patient in the face of adversity, and respect my position......which means sometimes I "accidentally" upgrade them to a suite at no extra cost, adjust the long distance off of their bill once in a while, remember their names, let them watch TV in the board room if the lobby is too full, I even let a guest feel me up once! (ok- that last one was a joke)

Thanks for staying & do come again!

Front Desk Clerk

I am a Front Desk Clerk..

I have advanced degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, business, computer sciences, civil engineering and Swahili.

Of course I have the reservation you made six years ago, even though you do not have a confirmation number and think it was under a name that starts with an "S."

It isn't a problem for me to get two connecting, non-smoking, pool side, downstairs outside suites (with two king size beds in each), four rollaways, and yes, I would be happy to install a wet bar in each room and stock them at no charge. Of course it is my fault we don't have a helicopter-landing pad.

I am a front desk clerk - I am expected to speak all languages. It is obvious to me that when you booked your room for Friday, that you really meant Saturday. My computer has entrusted me with all our financial information and decisions. Of course I remember that when you were here four years ago we accidentally charged you for a 72 cent long distance call you hadn't made and will make sure it doesn't happen again.

I understand that MacGillegetty's Widget Manufacturing Corp. is a vast empire that can make or break our hotel. Yes I am lying when I tell you we have no more rooms available. It's not a problem for me to quickly build two more so we can accommodate you and this time I will include a helipad.

I am a front desk clerk - I am quite capable of checking three people in, two people out, taking five reservations, answering twelve telephone calls and unplugging the toilet in 420, all at the same time.

I also know where the best vegetarian, kosher, Mongolian BBQ restaurants are. I also know exactly what to see and do in this city in less than fifteen minutes and at no cost.

I take personal blame for airline delays, traffic jams, rental car flat tires and the national debt. I should have realized that you meant to make your reservation here and not the "Galaxy Delight Motel" down the street and that you are entitled to the special five dollar discount because you're a member of the Accounting and Bagel Club of North America. Yes I will be happy to cash your Japanese travelers checque for 10,000 yen into Canadian currency. Even though it is Sunday morning, I am constantly aware of the exchange rate for all the world's currencies, after all, I am a front desk clerk.

We are expected to smile, empathize, sympathize, console, upsell, downsell, (and know the difference), perform, sing, dance and fix the computer (all at the same time).

I am a front desk, I can do all things…(and look busy when the boss is nearby).


Its Valentines Day here in america, and well that’s all wonderful and great for the people in love, it sucks for the people who have to “wait” on them.

Take the poor desk clerk who has to answer the 1000 calls and listen to you grope about not being able to grope your hunny, because you did not book a room a week ago. You (if you’re the hunny) did not have the one single most greatest idea ever on the plant this weekend, EVERYONE did(to get a room). It also happens to be a long weekend here in Florida because of Daytona 500, and presidents day,on Monday. So all the local Miami- Cubans, have come to the center of the most magical place and booked us full. All the drunken sports fans wives’ have crowded the hotels and taken there little ankle biters to the 2nd most crowded weekend at magical doo da land. I guess its part cabin fever, and everyone just gets away or something, but It annoys us … the desk clerks.

So, I am sorry You didnt realise they sold so fast? Well arent you special. and I mean back-of-the-short-bus special! Have there been any cancellations? Well, since I just told you we're sold out.... NO.

No, stop pestering me and begging me to "help a guy out, man." Since I have no rooms, I have nothing to offer. Expect the storage room, thats nice and romantic. Just get passed the smell of old beer, work your way passed the broken bottles to the back where we keep the rollaways and you're good! There isnt any TV, But im sure the sounds of other people making sweet love in the rooms beside you will be more than enough entertainment.

Seriously, I get calls for Vday rooms almost every 20 minutes.


If it is Saturday morning, and you havent booked a room, stay home please. Please don’t Come into my hotel , at 11pm begging me for a room. I don’t have anything! You, probably knew last night you needed a room, why not just call and make a reservation? Why not “jump” on expedia, hotel hotline, priceline, free rooms… what ever you choose and book a room? Why do people do ½ the things they do? I suppose it will always be a mystery.

Words of advice, BOOK A ROOM

Monday, February 9, 2009

Security Guards

I could write tons (and I may) on the security guards that I know.
But the one I currently work with, has me so pissed right now.

This weekend is Daytona 500 and Valentines weekend at Disney (think proposals) our hotel is booked... why is this man taking off this weekend? I swear when it comes to work, these people certainly know how to avoid it.

I think I also have the right to be pissed at my boss. He didn't put anyone on the schedule together, and he o.k'd this jack ass to be off.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

City Taxes

an old man was checking out this morning, and said there was to many taxes on his bill. All the wile, he was staring at my breasts.

I turned the bill around and said, sir, there is only TITTY TAX on the bill.

I meant to say, City Tax, honestly!!!

He looked up at my face and walked away. Wile the security guard, and I laughed so hard, we were crying.