The following is a list of things that PISS ME OFF: (its long-but if you travel often, read it)

1) Guests who do not listen. Look sir/ma'am: I just went over every single detail regarding your stay. Where to park, breakfast schedule, amenities and how to reach me if you should need further assistance. Chances are, I've already gone over my little bullshit speech 400 times by the time you even thought about checking in. So pretty fucking please- DO NOT- tune me out and then ask, "Where can I park?" It makes my eye twitch.....but I will always tell you again. (assholes)

2) I wish I could promise that the magnetic strip on your key will work %100 of the time.....but I cannot. Its just not within my power. So please don't come down to the front desk and yell at me. Contrary to your belief- I am not trying to ruin your day. I will always make you a new key so that you may be on your merry way. Besides- we have an elevator you lazy fuck. Its not like you had to go on a jungle safari to make your way to the lobby. :-)

3) I love a good PORNO- don't you? After a hard day of work nothing is better than whacking off to some bleach blond chick licking her own nipples. I agree. (and I'm a chick) HOWEVER- please understand that this service will show up on your receipt. Also- please understand that some of the billing systems in hotels don't have the capability to remove said ordered service. You can change your method of payment so that it will not appear on your company/family/wife's/hooker's credit card- but it will ALWAYS be on the receipt. It won't say PORNO!! or THIS GUYS WATCHED A DIRTY MOVIE!!! It will read: "service"
I am not lying to you- I promise. I wish I could make it disappear, but I cannot. It just doesn't work that way. SO PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING YELL AT ME, CALL ME STUPID, BELITTLE MY EXISTENCE OR BLAME ME FOR YOUR DREADFUL MANAGER THAT WILL SCRUTINIZE YOU FOR YOUR MOVIE VIEWING HABITS DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU PAID FOR IT YOURSELF!!! If it was that serious- you should have asked the clerk at the desk prior to ordering your film. Besides- when you treat me like a dog I'm gonna be a bitch. I go to the back and look up what porn you watched and make fun of you behind your back. :-)

4) Lost & Found items: Look asshole, its not my fault you left your oh so special $400 pair of jeans in your room last week. So don't call me and bitch me out or get cranky with me over it. If it meant that much to you- wouldn't you have left it in the first place. I will always take down your info, send it to the housekeeping manager and if its found- I will ship it to you. Its no problem. Its what I am here for. Just don't be a dick about it. An error on your part- does not constitute an emergency on my part.

5) Times are a changin'. The economy is wonky- and our room rates will in fact fluctuate based on operating costs and occupancy. Its the law of the land folks. I understand sir, that you stayed with us last year and your room rate was $, however since you called your reservation in 5 minutes before you were to arrive, and we only had 2 rooms left to sell in the entire joint, your rate is going to be higher. Its nothing personal- and its not my choice. Some suit and tie is sitting in an office somewhere getting out the lube so that he may ass fuck you....not me. :-) SUPPLY AND DEMAND PEOPLE!!!! Besides, we have you initial the rate when you check-in so it shouldn't be a surprise in the morning. So please do not come to me and give me an attitude about it. You wouldn't go to the grocery store for a gallon of milk then take it to the cashier and say, "Well, last week I only paid $2.35 for a gallon of milk....so.....that's all I am going to pay today."

6) If you want your prostitute to have a key to your room- give her one or put her name on the reservation so that I may give her one. I can take her name off in the morning if you'd like- that way nobody will know your little secret. But please, oh please, don't have your hooker come to the desk and demand a key to your room. I cannot give her one unless you personally told me to. Its against policy. Your hooker will most likely be cracked out and cause a scene (which by the way- is HILARIOUS) and then I have to call our little cop friend to have her removed. (which is also pretty fucking funny) but the cop car sometimes causes distress among our other guests. And I don't like that. I want them to relax and enjoy staying with us just as I want the same for you. Seriously.

The moral of the story- don't yell at the front desk clerk and don't be stupid. I want to make your stay as enjoyable as possible and I want you to come back. And here is a secret: I work harder and go the extra mile for guests who are kind, patient in the face of adversity, and respect my position......which means sometimes I "accidentally" upgrade them to a suite at no extra cost, adjust the long distance off of their bill once in a while, remember their names, let them watch TV in the board room if the lobby is too full, I even let a guest feel me up once! (ok- that last one was a joke)

Thanks for staying & do come again!